So what is depression?
Well I don't know what depression is to you, or her, or him... but I do know what it is for me!
Depression is negativity, its the little bastard on your shoulder that uses words like 'no, can't, don't, won't, never, what if, but, might not'... except he is not red, doesn't have horns or a pitch fork... no, he is the ugly side of you, the side of you that gets angry at nothing, that stresses over the wee things, the ugly prick that won't let things go, that keep's nit picking at you. The side of you that if you seen in another person you would stay to hell away from and think he is a tosser!
So what is depression?
Depression is you screaming out loud but nobody can hear you... like your sitting under a big fuck off glass. Like you are screaming in your own head to try to hurt your mind so it stops thinking bad thoughts. it is wanting to hurt yourself... anything... drive your fist into a fucking wall if you think it would relieve some built up pressure, like the pressure under your thumb nail when you hit it with a hammer... that except in your mind and all over your body, the claustrophobia of your mind being inside you... imagine that, being claustrophobic of your own being... stepping outside for fresh air does not relieve that!!! You cant get away from that... strong painkillers can't even relieve that, trust me I've tried! But somehow you can walk out of the house, 5 minutes later be at an event, turn on the charm, the chat and to everyone else you are Paul... not a trouble in the world, loadsa good things going on.. yaaaay fucking hooray!!
So what is depression?
Depression is shutting up shop. Its not only closing the door, pulling the blinds... have you seen 'I am legend'?? its that, it is being in your own world and when it so tickles your fancy, it is you closing the steel shutters, bolting them and lying in the empty bath with tears rolling down your cheeks.. but all of this is in your head, this is then how you close out the ones you love... girlfriend, mother, sister that lives nearby, brothers, sisters, neighbours, friends etc etc. This is how you close into yourself, hate yourself despise your ugly self... how can you show your true feelings when you have built a safe house within your own head, a fortress.
So what is depression?
Depression is wanting someone to help but not... it is hating the pain and anxiety but somehow liking it. I sometimes expect everyone to realise what it is I'm dealing with even though I know that unless you have been there, how the fuck are you supposed to know? If anyone ever had said the word 'depressed' in front of my father, his exact words would have been 'ack, depressed my arse', so you can imagine the sense of pride I feel right now!!! Zero... zilch!!! Wanting someone to know how you feel and getting frustrated when they don't, is like a physicist getting annoyed and frustrated and wanting to scream 'why cant you just see what I'm talking about???' to a regular Joe Soap when trying to explain physics in a single broken sentence!
So what is depression?
Depression is the anxiety, the panic, the stress, the negativity, the pre-mentioned fucker on your shoulder, the so many good things going on but you can't see it, the worst mother fucking big assed party on a spinning merry-go-round that you can't escape from... the nightmare you can't waken up from, you know that moment when you are going to be caught and you waken up? But this time you don't wake, the horror catches you, grabs you, smothers all around you and doesn't let go. The going to see a doctor and feeling like a reject from Gods ass.
So what is depression?
Well I don't know what depression is to you, or her, or him... but I do know what it is for me!
Depression is 5 years now of constant daily battles... some days an easy push over and have a good day, other days of 'a game of 2 halves' and other days of emotion wrecking, head melting, mind fucking bullshit that you want to get rid off no matter what the consequences...
That is depression for me... no cry for help, no attention seeking, no poetry, no bullshit. Just the truth of the fight that some people go through
So what is depression? It is a fight with yourself. It is 'The Dark Side'.
I hear ya paul (calso) xox Its a bitch you have to live with ... Im constantly smacking that bitch ;) Thanks for sharing xox
ReplyDeleteI hear you ... I question you ... If your best mate was to write this what would you reply and i suggest u change the mirror in your bathroom. .... very easy said but ... What others see in you is not that person on your shoulder ... it doesnt mean its not there but .... You wrote this not the prick in ur side so .... The sweet vunerable tallented paul is oviously going to win this round xx he will win tomorrows one too. Is a fruit cake better than no cake !!????
ReplyDeleteA very brave man wrote this, a brother, a son, an uncle, a boyfriend and a friend. You obviously have seen the demon bastard and obviously slapped him to the floor a few times. Its not a fight that is won every day but we slog through and we will come through to the other side. You have said what many of us want to, you talk like many of us want to. I am not ashamed to talk about my depression but to. Many I know are scared of it, and I am not strong enough to deal with their disapproval. Thank you for putting the demons into words. Many confuse with laziness, many with fear, many with weakness like you I see it as a Demon that I try and conquer every day.
ReplyDeleteWell said Paul. I'm a pro at putting on the happy smiley,self effacing joker, routine at the drop of a hat. Different story behind closed doors. Still a massive stigma attached to it, and its a life long struggle still very much misunderstood. Fortunately, more and more people like you are beginning to bring it out of the dark, speaking out and opening up. Thank you for sharing and saying what alot of us are not ready to say about ourselves.
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